The most powerful method to change a child's behaviour

Catch them being good it is really that simple!

Working with many families I see how the pressure of life can allow us to focus on what needs to be done, what hasn't been done and what hasn't been done well enough. As parents we can focus too much on the negatives the lacking, the problems, the next and start down a funnel of negativity that is confusing to young children trying to learn how to behave appropriately. Focusing on what not to do, such as "don't grab things of the shelf!"," Don't hurt your little brother." They only learn what not to do but by catching kids doing the right things we positively reinforce good behaviour and guide our children to understand what is approriate or desired behaviour.

 It can be as simple as " I like the way you let you sister go first that shows me you are a caring kid." or perhaps. Perhaps your child is always interrupting, when they don't quickly let them know that they did well to wait. Or if that tapping is driving you nuts, show them a signal to stop tell them that you will speak to them when you are ready and when you turn to them (make sure it's quick) and while they are waiting look at them and start the conversation with thanks for waiting and trusting that I will listen to you now what and how can I help you? The next time just show the hand signal and plough on through your conversation till an appropriate break occurs before giving them the attention. Do this consistently and you will see am immediate and dramatic change.

Saying "Not now." or "Don't interrupt me." Doesn't tell children how to politely interupt you. For a young child obsorbed in the immediacy of the moment who must just share what to them is incredibly, life threatening vitalally important  for you to know they. Need to be guided as to how to tell you that they just saw the most amazing leaf.

When they do comply with requests straight away and that's the behaviour you would like to demonstrate more frequently and not just when it is for an activity that is important to them, let them know they are doing a good job! Reflect on it later to saying things such as "Did you notice how much easier it was to get into the car when you did it the first time."

I don't believe in just picking out positives for the sake of finding positives, just handing out awards so that everyone gets one I believe that breeds mediocracy. Children should do more then just breathe they do need to make some effort but acknowledge those efforts and you will change and improve behaviour more effectively  then you realise.

Empower you children.

‘Stranger Danger’ is better referred to as a small part of teaching children protective behaviours as 85 per cent of danger or abuse to children occurs with someone known to the child or trusted by the child. The Protective Behaviours Organisations have undertaken work for many years to protect children from all dangers, and help them to be safe in all environments. As such protective behaviour should focus on stranger danger, predators, relatives or friends and Internet or online risks.
The aim is to teach children to be safe, to be aware of predatory strangers, and to be self protective. Teaching protective behaviours or ‘stranger danger’ is a delicate balance of raising awareness, without unnecessarily alarming children, or paralysing them with fear. It is equally important to emphasise that the majority of adults are caring, loving and responsible–not ‘bad people’, to globally fear.
As such, a typical child response that a stranger is a nasty, bad person shows their immature naivety or lack of understanding. A typical predator will likely be dressed in friendly clothes, be funny or ingratiating, and more likely nice, enticing, or bearing treats and offers. A stranger is any person that they do not know.
What to tell your child about a stranger:

• Tell your child not to listen to or be near a stranger–rather to move away or back inside.
• Tell your child to never ever go with a stranger–no matter what the stranger says.
• Share a code word with your child that is easy for them to remember and assure them that only a trusted adult will know the code word that you both share.
• Tell your child that strangers may make up sad stories, like looking for a lost pet, needing help with a sick child, or needing directions.
• Tell your child that strangers may offer treats, gifts or lollies for ‘helping’.
• Have your child make sure an adult they trust knows where they are at all times
• Encourage your child if they have to walk by themselves somewhere to walk near busier roads/streets
• If ever frightened tell your child to go into a ‘safe place’ like a shop, police station or school and NEVER get into a car with someone they don’t know.

Practice makes perfect
Having explained ‘stranger danger’ or protective behaviour you might breathe a big sigh of relief. However, let’s not relax just yet. Research shows that kids often can quote what mum or dad said very well, but when placed in the situation, they more often still give in.

• At home, role play certain situations with your child, such as pretending mum is sick and that a new person needs to take them home.
• Role play or practise a variety of strategies or other scenarios.
• Try a test in a safe environment at home, such as an unfamiliar friend at the front door trying to entice them outside to look at a sick, cute rabbit.
• Research shows that kids often ‘forget’ after a period of time. Thus a yearly family refresher course is very worthwhile.

Active, protective behaviour

• Teach your child never to wander off or go out of sight.
• Teach your child to always walk with and stay with friends–to never go alone.
• Teach and practice saying NO loudly and repeatedly, if they are unsure.
• Teach your child to yell HELP, as loudly and repeatedly as possible, until they are heard. Predators hate noise and attention.
• Teach your child to find a safe adult (a policeman or a mum with a stroller) or a safe spot (if they are fearful) such as a school, shop or safety sign. However, don’t tell your child that all uniforms are safe as some predators may be wearing a uniform.

A healthy balance

• Assure your child that most adults are loving, caring and trustworthy.
• Discuss good, safe and friendly people in the world, to avoid fear of all adults.
• Remind your child of helpful adults, like firemen, teachers, police, doctors, etc.
• Remind your child of ‘good’ adults in their world, who can be trusted.
• Protect them from over exposure to graphic news stories.

Telling

• Encourage your child to ‘tell’ if they even think they came across a stranger.
• Encourage your child to ‘tell’ if they felt scared, unsure or uncomfortable (‘yucky’ with any adult).
• Affirm that you will be happy and praise them for ‘telling’–that they won’t be in trouble.
• Affirm that you will listen and believe them.

Basic protective safety for parents

• Always know where your children are.
• Keep your kids within your sight or supervision.
• Be alert to other people around you, but not paranoid.
• Be alert to Internet threats–research shows predators are increasingly luring more mature children through the Internet, such as online, through forums, chat lines, and message systems.
• Always keep young children’s computers within your vision (not in their bedrooms), and under your supervision.
• Install a ‘Net-Nanny’ or Parental Control Software program on your computer.
• Teach your child to never ever give out personal or private information.

Non stranger danger

• Be alert to behaviour or interaction, from a relative or friend, that makes you or your child feel uncomfortable.
• Explain to your child, in age appropriate terms, where touching is not okay, such as touching mouths and areas covered by their swimming costumes.
• Be alert to overly ingratiating or endearing behaviour that can lead to separation of child and parent.
• Listen openly at any time your child ‘tells’ about feeling uncomfortable or ‘yucky’.
• Avoid blaming or being judgmental if your child ‘tells’.
• Be alert for a combination of warning signs of potential danger–the greatest indicator is a change in several behaviours. But be aware that these are only warning signs–they may indicate other concerns:
  • a return to bedwetting, nightmares or disturbed sleep
  • sudden onset of phobias, such as fear of leaving house or fear of dark
  • increase in anxiety, withdrawal or mood swings at unusual times
  • any genital bruising, unusual genital discomfort or repetitive urinary tract infections
  • torn or missing under garments
  • unusual aggression and/or violent or explicit drawings
  • self harming or secretive, inappropriate behaviour
  • resistance to being left with a previously trusted or liked adult.

Finally, keep ‘danger’ in balance. While being alert and pro-active with protective behaviours, remember that a child’s world is full of safe, wonderful and positive events.

This story on the Mamamia website lists Bruce Morcombe’s 7 tips to teach your children in light of his experience with the loss of his son Daniel.  The article also provides links to a couple of other child safety websites. http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/daniel-morecombe-7-things-you-need-to-talk-to-your-children-about/

TOP TIPS FOR STARTING THE SCHOOL YEAR

The once-complex task of driving a car only again becomes complicated when we have to teach our own children to drive. Just as we no longer pay heed to all the small steps which go together to make the car drive smoothly, we have forgotten all the small steps it takes to start the school year. Whether your child experienced First Day Blues this week – or comes up against delayed hurdles weeks or months into the term – the right preparation can transform an otherwise stressful event into a smooth transition. Early education expert, former school principal and TicTocTrack Co-Founder Simon da Roza offers 9 tips for an easy start to the school year…

Attitude trumps all, it will be OK.

Max’s mother was in labour with her third child when she dropped him off for his first day at ‘big school’. No one knew, except his parents, that the likelihood of her not being there at the end of the day was almost a certainty; the closest hospital was 120km of black soil road away to the southwest. It was summer, oppressively hot and the downpour rolling in would result in the road becoming impassable.

Nonetheless, this was his big day. They hugged, they kissed, took the first day photos, and he was shown to his very own seat and book bag. He recognised the big reading bathtub filled with brightly coloured soft cushions that he had sat in on one of his visits to the big school last year. His young, enthusiastic teacher who Max had met the previous year got down to his level, looked him in the eye, held his hand and so began his journey. Max hugged and waved goodbye, and his parents smiled and breathed, they knew it was going to be OK they had planned for most of the day ahead. Max was fine, his parents were too eventually. And I learned – and have continued to learn – that children are incredibly more resilient and adaptable then we give them credit for.

Whether your child suffers from separation anxiety, is projecting concerns based upon negative past experiences or just feels a little queasy about returning to the school year merry-go-round, here’s some helpful tips you can start implementing today, to make the first term easier for all involved:

1. As a parent, your attitudes towards school, teachers, and school are crucial to ensuring an excellent start.

Children spend so much time with you they can read you; your body language, your tone, your mood. They learn from the moment they are born, and have an unquenchable appetite for finding patterns, making sense of their ever changing and expanding world. If you are nervous about the transition to school they will pick up your nervousness. If you are negative and find problems, they will too. If you have openly expressed anxiety or nervousness about starting or returning to school, a dislike for teachers or your negative childhood experiences, your child will look for problems with the transition, their teachers and the whole experience. Consciously use your facial expressions, body language and words to convey a positive message.

2. Once you’ve set the tone, then create expectations.

You are your child’s most influential teacher. Remember when you encouraged your child to walk? You had the expectation that they would; you supported them, encouraging them physically and verbally. You set little achievable tasks, celebrated their first small steps, captured those moments on your phone and proudly shared it with friends and family. You had expectations, you knew exactly what your child had to do, and you adjusted their environment to give them the best possible opportunity at success. It worked. And it will continue to work as you empower your child through feedback about your child’s language development, physical development and other newly-acquired skills.

3. Get an honest understanding of your child’s level of development.

In some ways, each year parents ‘go back to school’ with their kids. Modern schools are very different places from those you attended. The expectations are higher; much, much higher. Knowing the school your child is attending – and their development expectations at each year level – is important so that you can answer questions when they arise. They will arise, and never when you expect them to. If your child hasn’t yet acquired expected skills, don’t panic. There’s an abundance of resources (online and face to face) that have been created for this exact purpose, and can be employed at home or amongst your extended family and friends to help support and encourage your child’s development. Be honest with yourself about your child’s abilities, avoid making excuses; and be proactive about supporting their growth.

4. Practice the daily structure.

Calmly structure the new experiences your child is going to have to get used to; from getting dressed, to eating lunch whilst sitting on the ground or on a bench. Some children may find the tag on their shirt uncomfortable or find breaking in new shoes during the first weeks of school cause painful blisters. All avoidable things that can cause them to relate their early experience of school to stress or pain. From identifying their bag tag, opening their lunchbox clasp and holding a pencil through to self-toileting and understanding how to share time, resources and people – pace yourself and reinforce them at home through daily events. Don’t forget to reflect on where you have come from, and how much has been achieved. It’s a wonderful opportunity to show how big tasks can be broken into small manageable tasks, while build your child’s self esteem and resilience.

5. Be an optimist.

You will reap the rewards of this investment for years to come. Have discussions about being an optimist and what an optimist thinks, says and does. This will be more beneficial if you have had the opportunity to lay the foundations of this important value over the preceding days, weeks or months, but it is never too late to start! An optimist remembers the successes they have had in the past. They remember that they overcome anxious moments and were brave. This bravery leads to wonderful new discoveries and fun.

6. At school…

Give. It. Time. Each school is and school community is markedly different and will have explained to you exactly what’s going to happen in the early days of term one. Despite this there are some commonalities, such as settling in time or drop off procedures. Staying too long can make even the happiest child unsettled. I have heard parents say to children “I’m leaving now – you aren’t going to cry are you?” But this begs the question in the child’s mind: yes you are leaving; should I be crying?

It’s like sewing a seed of doubt in the child’s mind. It is much safer to say “have a great day; bye!” Then don’t hang around and draw it out. Be pleasant take an appropriate amount of time (20 minutes) but leave and expect that you and your child will be quite OK. If you are having trouble leaving and the teacher’s aids haven’t noticed, ask them for assistance. They are experienced, have good calming tools and have your child’s interests at heart. If your child has exhibited separation anxiety, remember to stay optimistic and outline that feelings change and pass – and that the feelings they have now will pass also. Be careful of the “just one more kiss” or “just one more hug” spiral. One more kiss means just that; any more just feeds avoidance behaviour and can be heart breaking for both of you. Remember children know you they push your buttons and pull on your heartstrings not because they are naughty or nasty kids because they have learnt that this has worked for them in the past. Full of adrenaline and anticipation, children make not be as sensitive to your feelings at this point in time as they normally may be.

Finally, once you do disentangle yourself, stay away. Don’t pop your head back in.

7. Encourage your child to make friends.

The single best way to combat bullying is for children to have friends; children alone are targets for bullies. Point out to children the things you may take for granted as an adult – but need to be explicitly taught to kids – things like smiles, looking at the person, using names and using a confident, friendly voice. Being prepared to take turns can make a big difference when making friends. All children will experiences friendship issues sometime in their school experience and you cannot be there to solve their problems, so empowering them to solve these is essential. A great way to encourage friendships and not just within one gender group is to play sports. Little ‘A’s are great opportunities for children to make friends and to also practice listening to other adults, swimming and one developing, physical skills, resilience and a team focus and having fun.

8. Behavioural changes you might notice early in the school year.

You may notice your child displays some all or none of the behaviours listed below which they have never demonstrated before. It’s all normal; children may a have a mix of emotions and not have the words to express their stress at tackling this new and challenging situation. They might:

· Be more clingy then normal and hang onto your leg, impeding any forward movement or escape from or towards the classroom door.

· Appear restless and flighty.

· Demonstrate increased inappropriate attention seeking behaviours.

· Show and increased desire to avoid activities through increased negotiations and deal making.

· Revert to immature behaviour such as thumb sucking, ‘baby’ language or even increased attachment to favourite soft toys.

· In some cases sleep, bed wetting and diet may even be altered.

This behaviour will pass in most cases. Be reassured, they are not a sign of poor parenting skills or developmental problems. But if they persist, talk to your class teacher or education expert so you can work on a strategy to support the child out of these behaviours together.

Have faith in your children’s ability to adapt. Have faith in your ability to guide and support your child through this transition. If you are confident and relaxed – and have plans in place – you will understand what the child’s day will be like. Then your child will subliminally read this confidence in the words you choose to use, your actions, your conversations with friends, teachers and others – and they will also be confident and ready.

Simon’s Top 3 Tips For Banishing Bullying

While keeping a good line of communication open between you and your child’s school is vital to addressing and preventing bullying, there are also some steps you can take with your child to arm them with skills and strategies to stop bullying – or make them less likely to be targeted in the first place. Former school principal and teacher of 25 years Simon da Roza provides his top 3 tips for parents looking to give their child the best chance of preventing – and dealing with – bullying in the early years of life.

1)  Avoid being alone

Ensure your child is playing with someone or being with someone – preferably another student – during times when bullying may be likely to occur, such as playground time, travelling to and from school or transitions between playground and the classroom. Kids with friends are less likely to be bullied. Children alone become easier targets. Help your child build friendships by having playdates or doing activities with peers they like on the weekend or holidays. Joining sporting teams outside of school with kids from your childs’ school can help extend and broadened your childs’ peer group and decrease the chance of being alone in the playground if there is a falling out with class based friends.

2) Confident body language and words

Relationships with peers, siblings and  family adult friends are integral to a child developing a positive self esteem and self concept. Participation in sport, clubs, chess, public speaking, self defence classes, engineer groups, craft clubs are incredibly helpful. Being good at something – anything – can add to a child’s self esteem, and if a child has a good self esteem they will show this in strong confident body language, strong (but not rude) eye contact and in the language and words they choose. They will also cultivate broader social networks.

3) Communication

A) Teach how to be a good friend and a member of  a group, by  explicitly discussing taking turns, respecting personal space, hygiene and basic problem solving skills and recognising facial expressions and tone. Observing your child during playdates can provide insight into what they need to work on; but sometimes children behave very differently when faced with group situations like school, so ask your child’s teacher to observe their interaction and give you some tips on what they could work on at home to build their communication skills.
B) Have the bullying conversations before any bullying occurs. Define bullying and the various forms it can take. Discuss how  bystanders can have a dramatic effect on decreasing bullying have these  as informal conversations on regular basis in the car going somewhere, shopping whilst working in the yard together. When talking with boys you will find a side by side conversation much more effective. Role play situations and responses so they have previous practice to draw upon when their adrenalin kicks in during a real life confrontation.

PARENT RESOURCES

 There are many ways to approach the issue of bullying with your child.

Keeping the message simple but effective is the challenge!

This book provides an easy-to-understand storyline that discusses the impact of bullying and how your child can deal with it in a healthy, constructive manner.

Bully Busting

It’s heartbreaking to think that your child could even witness bullying much less be subjected to it. However unfortunately in today’s society it seems to be all too common. According to recent research conducted by the Federal Government one in four children in Australian schools are bullied so it is important as parents we can talk to our children about this issue and have some tools to deal with it. An obvious goal is to try and reverse the culture of bullies that does exist and will most likely exist for some time, but while it does exist we can if nothing else encourage our children to be courageous. Studies have shown that if a bystander intervenes quickly the victim is less likely to be bullied. So encourage your child to not only not stand up to bullies but stand up for others to.

• Talk to your child and actively listen to them, hear them.
• Remember bullies want a reaction so you have two choices ignore or give them a response they were not expecting.
• Try to stay calm and let you child know that you will help them. Negative comments won’t help the situation.
• Practice banter and comebacks and work at extending and developing your child’s social network – not forcing it but taking advantage of opportunities when they arise.
• Guide children but allow them to handle normal playground conflicts and discuss managing emotions and managing anxiety.
• Remove baits for bullies. Unless your child has a rock solid self esteem leave their bright green fluro pants at home.

The following websites we feel provide some valuable strategies for dealing with bullying and helping your child address this issue should they come across it.

		This website provides some really good questions that are age based you can ask your child to try and determine if they have been subjected to bullying. Many children hide bullying so these questions can be a trigger to a discussion about something that may be troubling your child at school. http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/bullying.html/context/591
		Kidspot.com.au has a wide range of resources for all areas of parenting however it also has a really informative section called ‘facts and figures about bullying’. In addition, on this page is a list of links to more specific areas of information from ’15 things parents should know about bullying’ through to what to do if your child is the bully. http://www.kidspot.com.au/schoolzone/Bullying-Facts-and-figures-about-bullying+4065+395+article.htm
		Kids helpline offers a lot of fun stuff for children but is best known for their 1800 number for children to call should they need to talk to someone. http://www.kidshelp.com.au/kids/get-help/
		Ken Rigby is a published author, an Adjunct Research Professor and an educational consultant based at the University of South Australia. This site provides a lot of studies and research into the problem of bullying but also some suggestions for combating this social issue. http://www.kenrigby.net/

Picking the Best School

One question I do get asked often is, ‘How do I pick a good school?’

When I go into a school I look for artworks and nicely presented classrooms, this shows me what is important to the teachers, displaying and taking pride in the children’s artwork. Are the classrooms rich in literacy, word banks, book displays and stories or rules and procedures?

I look to see how the classrooms are organised are they organsied in groups that encourage teamwork and cooperation or nice little rows for ‘control’ or ‘management’.

I read the rules in the classrooms are they based on what kids cannot do or virtues, respect, responsibility and focused on learning? Are there interesting class based projects and gardens and vegie gardens dotted around the place.

I walk through the library and ask myself, “Is reading and a love of literature the focus here?

I listen to how the teachers talk and organise their classes, are they encouraging, building from strengths and looking for positives or finding the odd one out and well, focusing on failure.

I look around the school grounds how is the upkeep is their litter around the school, which shows me how the school as a whole takes responsibility for it’s environment.

I listen for the Principals’ description of the school what s/he says in the first 5 minutes is usually the most important thing to their leadership. How do children express a voice in the school through and SRC perhaps or school parliament? How is achievement celebrated in the school?

I trust my instincts and trust in the feel I take away from the school.

I ask questions and listen, for as a good friend of mine says “Those who ask the questions, control the conversations.” Listen for the answers and sense the theme of the answers is it achievement, respect, expectations, technology support? How do you support high achievers? How do you support kids experiencing challenges? What subjects and specialties can you offer to enrich the education of my child.

Hope it helps, now it's up to you .